Added you on Facebook even though we’ve never met, figured you’d be cool we’ve got like 90 mutual friends. Took a chance, rolled the dice our tastes are similar, but it soon became apparent you’re the fucking worst. You say you’re looking for a deep and meaningful relationship, but OK Cupid’s arrow never seems to hit the target, because it’s always something, or it’s always someone, you’ve got every lame excuse under the sun, like “He’s a dick, she’s a bitch, LOLOLMAO!” Your friend’s like “OMG, totally! When will that poseur ever get a clue?” Then you’re all “IDK, amirite? LOLOLMAO!” Did you ever stop to think that the problem might be you? You can never catch a break because you’ve got all the shitty luck, and you’re in a shitty mood because you hate your shitty job. Everyone around you is the shittiest on Earth, maybe everyone around you knows that you’re the fucking worst. Spoiler alert, I really hope this hurts: You’re the worst. Your worse than Kony 2012 and his orphan slaves, every single movie by Michael Bay; the DMV and the dentist on consecutive afternoons. If Donny and Marie had an inbred kid, you’d be worse than that little shit; fresh squeezed lemon and some salt on an open wound. You’re worse than the curse of eternal life spent at thetanless Tom Cruise’s side; anatomic nipples on the Batman suit. Have I mentioned lately that you’re the worst? If I haven’t, listen, you’re the worst.